“Into a Limbo large and broad, since called / The
paradise of fools, to few unknown.” John Milton
Weight of the World ©2009 BWD PHOTO www.bwdphoto.com BWD Photo : Life Within Images
What happens once the healing process starts? When you are kicked down to a point where just standing is something to be proud of? What do you do when the energy ever so slowly starts to trickle into your veins, your bones? Your body slowly feels a little stronger; not by much but you can feel it – a new energy tingling under your skin. It’s almost a magical feeling, but what do you do with it? How do you move forward without accidently hitting the back button and pushing yourself into reverse? I’ve been there and done that, but I am in a place right now where things are different. The improvements to my health are real this time; things feel different. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there, but in my mind I know this is different and I don’t want to ruin this chance I’ve been given.
So I am in Limbo; what to do now?
The time is now; or so my mind tells me, though my body does not quite agree yet. So what do I do when the two are struggling against each other? My mind wants to take this new unused energy and use it right away until there is none left. That was the way of the past, when I felt like I was going nowhere with medications and procedures. My body knew, after years of battering, that it was time for a rest. Like any machine, its power source is low and needs a recharge. This is something I have always had trouble dealing with. I could never wait. I can be a very impatient person and at the first sign of energy I feel pressure to use it from an invisible force that eats away at me. It tells me during the day that, because I am not writhing in pain, I should be making use of myself. I should be doing more. I tell my partner this and she tells me as she always tells me: “you don’t need to do these things, I don’t ask you to do them.” Still, this voice pries into my head like a large earth-penetrating drill.
So I now focus on the little things. Recently we moved into an apartment from a basement suite. At first I took the elevator religiously, but now take the stairs more and more to slowly build more strength back into my legs. I also do minor things in and around the apartment as a strength builder – or (also known as) rehabilitation. I’ve mentioned to a few friends that I’m doing rehab and forgotten to mention “physical” first, so their first thought, before I correct them, is that I’m going through some type of drug rehab.
I’ve tried to spend more of my time socializing with friends to help repair the mental battering I have also taken over the years. It’s important when you’re trying to pick yourself up not to focus only on the physical, because the mental matters just as much, if not more. If you treat everything negatively day in and day out, your body will pick up on the signals.
Looking over the list and I know I would have scoffed a year ago, but I realize the truth in some of these options now. Just making the effort to do and discover new things has been a huge mental boost for me. I try new foods, new authors, new games and I generally try not to say “no” as much as I used to. (Yes Man)I know it’s a slow process. I still sometimes slip back into my conventional everyday emotional battering, but I can pull out of it a lot quicker these days. In changing just a few things that I currently have control over, my mindset has changed and my health is a little better. I actually have more strength to fight my CD. Some of you may sit there and think “don’t you always fight it?” Admittedly there are days I give up. Sometimes weeks; the worst was going through a month of just having given up on the inside.
I look back at those times and shake my head, but I look to the future. I have hope, and where there is hope there is healing. Friendship & companionship: those are big key factors. Always remember that.
For now, that is all. This is Brad Watson-Davelaar signing off;
** Thank you to my friends for proof reading my work